EV BLEND – DECAF (OUT OF STOCK… FOREVER)

ROAST — DECAFFEINATED (“EV BLEND”)

Let’s just get this out of the way.

This isn’t really coffee.

This is what happens when you take everything that makes coffee good… and quietly remove it in the name of “progress.”

No punch. No kick. No reason to exist.

Kind of like an EV at a burnout comp.

Welcome to the EV Blend.

Decaffeinated. Silent. Emotionless. Technically impressive… but somehow missing the entire point.

We tried. We really did.

We sat around, had the meeting, said all the right things:
“Maybe people want a smoother experience.”
“Maybe it’s the future.”
“Maybe we should be more… responsible.”

Then we drank it.

And immediately went back to real coffee.

See, coffee is supposed to do something.

It wakes you up. It kicks you into gear. It gets you moving when you’ve had three hours sleep and a big day ahead.

This?

This politely asks if you’d like to wake up… whenever you feel comfortable.

No thanks.

Now don’t get us wrong—there’s a place for everything.

If your idea of excitement is waiting for something to slowly charge while you scroll your phone, then this might be right up your alley.

If you like your mornings quiet, predictable, and completely free of any kind of thrill… congratulations, you’ve found your blend.

But for the rest of us?

We’ll take noise.
We’ll take boost.
We’ll take something that actually does what it’s supposed to do.

⚡ TASTE PROFILE

• Notes of… nothing much
• Hints of disappointment
• Smooth, because there’s nothing left to make it rough

🪫 PERFORMANCE

• 0 to awake: eventually
• Peak output: questionable
• Range: depends how long you can pretend you’re enjoying it

📉 AVAILABILITY

Discontinued due to lack of interest.

Shocking, we know.

💬 FINAL WORD

We don’t actually sell this.

We never really did.

And judging by the feedback… we’re not missing much.

PS: If you made it this far, you probably deserve a proper coffee. You know what to do.